Warning - Watching from a Distance

Sometimes I sit in my room and reminisce about past relationships gone sour. I was in a couple where the girls involved did nothing but support me, care for me, and try to understand me. I didnt do too much; I basically fell ass-backwards into these relationships. They certainly werent perfect, but the way I handled them still gets to me. I couldve done so much more and made them more enriching experiences while they lasted. But I didnt; instead I decided for some reason that I was too good and shouldnt leave myself restricted like that, as if I had a lot to offer other people. Which was bullshit.

I dont really do much of anything. People will say that college is the best years of your life, but for me so far outside of a couple sources of happiness such as my current relationship, which I couldnt really ask more of, things have been pretty dull. I like to think how much of a better person I am than frat boys and kids who party every night but in the end theyre still having a lot more fun and getting more out of life at the moment than I am. I go to class, work a bit, come home and play stupid video games until the next day where I do it all over again. I say maybe five complete sentences in total to other people in any given day. I havent made any real friends in my three years of college and I talk to nobody in my classes. Its not that Im antisocial, but I have a hard time relating to the interests of my peers and their personalities. Most are vapid morons who shouldnt be in an institution of higher learning in the first place, but I know in all honesty that some are not, but I still dont do much to seek these people out. Im just socially lazy. This in consideration, its a miracle Im in a relationship in the first place. Im terrible meeting and befriending people. But I guess I got that done back in high school when I was forced to interact with people around me more.

I like to think of myself as more interesting than I actually am. Why arent people just flocking to ask me what I think about life? About situations in politics, about good art, just about anything? Mostly because I dont do shit. I know Im capable of being productive and changing the world in a positive way, but I look at myself beginning my twenties and all that Ive accomplished and there isnt much. Theres mostly a lot of regrets. Regrets about relationships that couldve been more, hobbies that couldve become talents had I only had the dedication and lack of prejudice (Id be playing on my schools football team right now if I had), things I could be doing right fucking now. But lately Ive felt pretty empty. Its a struggle just to write something as long as this or even a lab report for my class where I have issues just putting two words together that may be more than a syllable each. This happened to me several times in the past and I got over it but thats because I was younger. But now that Im an adult its a little harder to accept all the things Ive missed out on in life already. I can trick myself into believing that this isnt the only life Ill live, that therell be chances to do everything over and live multiple lives to do everything I always wanted. But that isnt going to happen. Every minute I waste staring at a computer screen, looking at the home page of NFL.com or Facebook or something for the fifth time in the past minute as if something life-changing is going to pop up any time, every one of those minutes is a minute lost forever. I wont be able to redo today, or yesterday, or tomorrow and tomorrow isnt looking like itll be any different. I wont be able to go back and fix those relationships. I wont be able to go back and take up football. Theres only what could become from this point on. Every minute wasted is potential and options in life being washed away.

Im just writing this as I think of things; Ive probably forgotten some things I wanted to say. But I think the picture is clear: Im very dissatisfied with myself and the way my life has gone. Im sure some people would kill for my life. I have a loving girlfriend, a few good friends who I relate to very well, a good education with good career prospects, a family thats emotionally distant and fractured but still composed of down-to-earth people who I know love me anyway. I can afford food and some new CDs and games every once in a while. Im privileged enough to be happy materially, but emotionally theres a lot unfulfilled. Every day is a day I feel like theres some big party going on that Im missing out on. I need to take steps in the right direction now so that what youth I have left in me, the next decade or so I have of still being able to act sort of like a kid without the responsibilities of an adult entrenched in a career or with kids will be a decade where Im not constantly looking back, at least not in regret. I should look back on every day in satisfaction, that it wasnt a day wasted. And Ive had a lot of wasted days these past couple of years.

Maybe Im just growing up faster than my peers. With it comes the benefit of being more reasonable and with an easier ability to see the consequences of my actions, things Ill thank myself for in the long run. But what I wont be able to forgive myself for is wasting a life that Ill never be able to hit a rewind button on.

I want to feel stronger; that is, I want to more strongly feel. I want the motivation that someone who works on a single painting meticulously for years has. I can be a poet, but I dont have the drive to write. I can be a musician, but I dont have the dedication to stick to a project or practice an instrument. I just want immediate success, maybe because of the time I feel Ive already wasted. I just want to fucking DO something. But the strongest feelings I have right now are of longing, regret, nostalgia, emptiness. If "nothing" was a feeling Id have it in spades. These feelings arent sharp and demanding of constant attention; theyre just dull, always present but only in the forefront when Im by myself with time to think about how I could be doing something so much greater. And in those moments, the lingering depression comes pouring out all at once.

Those kind of feelings produce music like this.